Saturday, December 24, 2005
Prepare yourself girls, because this is going to be an emo post.
I am steadily growing farther and father emotionally apart from Scott as our relationship progresses. I don't even know how we got to the point that we're at in the first place, maybe because I'm too passive-aggressive to say no and I hate disappointing people who are nice to me. But he bought me a garnet & diamond necklace for Christmas and I'm absolutely
balking at the idea of that kind of gift.
I don't want flowers and I don't want jewelry. I want an intellectual-emotional connection that is real and tangible. I want kisses that disorient me, and words that mean things to us but nothing to anyone else, and feelings that aren't too far from the cliches to allow us to express ourselves in song lyrics.
He offers me none of these things.
I am becoming obsessed with a concept that doesn't exist, I think. A smart, sarcastic boy with common sense and romance...In the pictures of him that I cherish in my mind, he's got dark hair, pretty eyes, and fair skin, but I'll keep it open for brown-haired boys and redheads too. I feel like I have to settle sometimes because I'm not pretty enough to get the boys that I want...instead of this sublimely intriguing soul that I'm seeking, I get geeks and psychopaths. It's so embarrassing.
So what do I do? I keep fighting with myself, trying to tell myself to give Scott a chance, but I've been giving him chances for a month now and it's killing me every time he decides he feels like sticking his tongue in my mouth. He can't kiss worth shit and that KILLS me, because kissing someone you like is one of the best feelings on Earth. Period.
I'll stop feeling this poetic in about twenty-four hours. It is at that time that I'll probably never acknowledge that I said or felt these things, for which you'll just have to forgive me.
I'm still looking for the deus ex machina of my love life, that's all.
posted by
Brandi at
1:47 PM
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